How to Forgive
My father pastors at his local prison, and he often tells me that many of the inmates blame their father for being in prison. Some never had a father, some were beaten and abused by their father, and some say their father was the direct reason for their incarceration. As a result these men are angry.
It’s not just their fathers’ they are angry at but everyone and everything around them because what is raised in anger only responds in kind, and that’s when they get in trouble.
Their anger often started showing through from their school days and was directed at teachers, students or the whole school system and as they’ve grown it transferred to society, their girlfriends, wives and even their own children. It’s become a cycle, or more like a curse, that is passed from father to son.
It’s easy for us on the outside to see the destruction such anger is brining into their lives and suggest they somehow change - while many of the inmates see the problem and want to change, it’s hard to let such anger go, and often it looks like the only thing that can help them is a miracle.
My father even told me that he is careful when referring to ‘God the father’ when talking to the inmates because he sometimes hears angry mutterings from his group while others ask why the ‘F…’ would they follow God if he’s supposed to be like their father.
It’s a fair point, and dad responds by teaching them about a father that is described in Exodus and Psalms as a ‘…compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness’
He doesn’t argue with them, and continues to talk about a God that so loved the world that he gave his only son so that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life:
John 3:16
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
He believes there is power in the Gospel to transform even the most hardened heart, and sees it happen again and again.
One inmate that dad recalls seeing this transformation was a Black Power gang member who joined dad’s sessions out of boredom, and warned my father ‘You’re not going to convince me about any of this God bullshit let alone a God that gives a damn about me.’
Dad didn’t’ argue and continued teaching them about the life of Jesus, and explained that God didn’t just make himself small like us so we could get to now him, but was prepared to submit to our will and even let us crucify him – there’s something about that story that pierces the most hardened heart.
Peter 2:
24 “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 25 For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
That gang member began to change, almost imperceptibly at first, but instead of coming to dad’s lessons out of boredom, he was curious, and eventually eager to go to the next. Instead of asking questions to try and catch dad out, he began to listen more, and ask sincere questions.
After the first month dad even asked him ‘Something’s happening, isn’t it?’ And the inmate confessed something was different, despite trying to resist, but then again, sometimes the biggest obstacle in your life is you.
After one year of study with dad this gang member was baptized, and even though he will spend the rest of his life in prison for his crimes, he is happier than he was before.
Could it be that Jesus didn’t die to show us only how to have life after death, but how to have life before you die?
Dad has many stories like that of the Black Power gang member, and it’s always a story of change, of softening their hearts and finding if not happiness, at least an easing of their worries and especially their anger.
Even if you don’t believe in God, letting go of anger has a positive effect, and dad helps them to forgive those who have hurt them.
He tells them to ‘Speak out their forgiveness.’
One inmate of note, who we’ll call Dan, was a man who hated his father because he grew up watching his dad beat his mum, and then him and his brothers. He left home when he was 16 and never saw his father again, and when he heard that his father had died, instead of mourning had a celebratory drink.
Despite his father being dead, dad told him to speak to God and tell God, out loud, that he forgives his father, and to ask God to forgive his father.
Dad explained that people don’t believe that simply speaking forgiveness out loud to God will make any difference, but it works.
When Dan first tried speaking his forgiveness out loud his voice got stuck in his throat, and it took several attempts over a few minutes before he could complete what he wanted to say.
Dan says he didn’t feel different straight away, but over time he repeated this and now feels free from his father’s curse.
You see the person you’re forgiving doesn’t have to know you’re forgiving them, and doesn’t even have to be alive, because forgiveness is about healing you.
Jesus said in Luke 17
“If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
That sounds almost unreasonable, but forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened and it doesn’t mean that you’re excusing the other person’s actions. It doesn’t mean maintaining the same relationship with someone who has hurt you, especially if they are not sorry for what they did, because true repentance is being sorry enough to quit.
It’s not just their fathers’ they are angry at but everyone and everything around them because what is raised in anger only responds in kind, and that’s when they get in trouble.
Their anger often started showing through from their school days and was directed at teachers, students or the whole school system and as they’ve grown it transferred to society, their girlfriends, wives and even their own children. It’s become a cycle, or more like a curse, that is passed from father to son.
It’s easy for us on the outside to see the destruction such anger is brining into their lives and suggest they somehow change - while many of the inmates see the problem and want to change, it’s hard to let such anger go, and often it looks like the only thing that can help them is a miracle.
My father even told me that he is careful when referring to ‘God the father’ when talking to the inmates because he sometimes hears angry mutterings from his group while others ask why the ‘F…’ would they follow God if he’s supposed to be like their father.
It’s a fair point, and dad responds by teaching them about a father that is described in Exodus and Psalms as a ‘…compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness’
He doesn’t argue with them, and continues to talk about a God that so loved the world that he gave his only son so that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life:
John 3:16
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
He believes there is power in the Gospel to transform even the most hardened heart, and sees it happen again and again.
One inmate that dad recalls seeing this transformation was a Black Power gang member who joined dad’s sessions out of boredom, and warned my father ‘You’re not going to convince me about any of this God bullshit let alone a God that gives a damn about me.’
Dad didn’t’ argue and continued teaching them about the life of Jesus, and explained that God didn’t just make himself small like us so we could get to now him, but was prepared to submit to our will and even let us crucify him – there’s something about that story that pierces the most hardened heart.
Peter 2:
24 “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 25 For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
That gang member began to change, almost imperceptibly at first, but instead of coming to dad’s lessons out of boredom, he was curious, and eventually eager to go to the next. Instead of asking questions to try and catch dad out, he began to listen more, and ask sincere questions.
After the first month dad even asked him ‘Something’s happening, isn’t it?’ And the inmate confessed something was different, despite trying to resist, but then again, sometimes the biggest obstacle in your life is you.
After one year of study with dad this gang member was baptized, and even though he will spend the rest of his life in prison for his crimes, he is happier than he was before.
Could it be that Jesus didn’t die to show us only how to have life after death, but how to have life before you die?
Dad has many stories like that of the Black Power gang member, and it’s always a story of change, of softening their hearts and finding if not happiness, at least an easing of their worries and especially their anger.
Even if you don’t believe in God, letting go of anger has a positive effect, and dad helps them to forgive those who have hurt them.
He tells them to ‘Speak out their forgiveness.’
One inmate of note, who we’ll call Dan, was a man who hated his father because he grew up watching his dad beat his mum, and then him and his brothers. He left home when he was 16 and never saw his father again, and when he heard that his father had died, instead of mourning had a celebratory drink.
Despite his father being dead, dad told him to speak to God and tell God, out loud, that he forgives his father, and to ask God to forgive his father.
Dad explained that people don’t believe that simply speaking forgiveness out loud to God will make any difference, but it works.
When Dan first tried speaking his forgiveness out loud his voice got stuck in his throat, and it took several attempts over a few minutes before he could complete what he wanted to say.
Dan says he didn’t feel different straight away, but over time he repeated this and now feels free from his father’s curse.
You see the person you’re forgiving doesn’t have to know you’re forgiving them, and doesn’t even have to be alive, because forgiveness is about healing you.
Jesus said in Luke 17
“If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
That sounds almost unreasonable, but forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened and it doesn’t mean that you’re excusing the other person’s actions. It doesn’t mean maintaining the same relationship with someone who has hurt you, especially if they are not sorry for what they did, because true repentance is being sorry enough to quit.
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